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My asian message

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You will be asked how long you want the massage to be, and the secret here is to be as frugal as possible. Pick the lowest price, because that's just the money that goes to the owner pimp ; the girls make money from tips.

Don't try to be suggestive at this point, because you're just going to come off looking like an idiot, and God forbid the escort doesn't respect you.

When the girl leads you to the room, she'll tell you she needs to go get ready and you should undress and lay down. Take off everything except your boxers and lay face-down and wait for the girl to come back.

Inner Voice : Wow, this place is disgusting, why is the air so damp? Do I want to know? Penis : Alright, I see ladies. Lots of cleavage too, I'm getting up for this.

Inner Voice : Cool it, act nonchalant, we're being approached. Whore : Hey there, are you interested in a massage? You : Um…yeah sure.

I'll just take the half hour massage, what does that include? Whore : It includes a massage…that's all we do here, is give massages. Penis : Giggidy!

This is the most important part of the procedure. When the girl walks in, you should be relaxed; the fact that you're face down should hide your raging erection caused by the low-cut top she is wearing.

As she starts giving you the most half-assed back massage ever, start the small talk with her. Talk about where she's from, where you're from, really anything other than her milking your cock.

She should pick up on the fact that you really are a rookie at this and will go about explaining the price to you, probably with some sort of happy ending code words.

Inner Voice : Good question, I'm getting tired of listening to her talk about her haircut. Whore : So, do you want me to touch…down there?

Penis : Jackpot! Ask her to give you a verbal menu, how much everything costs and what you get for the price.

At this point she'll either encourage you to get more money or simply do the job right there because of the rapport you guys have built up. Most likely, though, she'll want more money.

Anitra Brown. Anita is a spa expert who has written about, worked in, and visited some of the world's best spas for the past 20 years.

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We described earlier the rather convoluted payment process clients have to go through. There's a reason for that. In some places your Amsterdams, your Nevadas , prostitution is legal and regulated and taxed.

In plenty of other places, it's flat-out banned. Between those two, you've got places where you can legally have sex for money, but can't do much anything else associated with running the business.

The goal is to crack down on pimping and other forms of exploitation without hauling sex workers themselves to jail, and managing that gets messy.

In Britain , for example, you can accept money for sex, but you can't advertise your services, run a brothel, loiter on the streets, or "incite" prostitution.

In Canada One law bans being " found in a bawdy house " yes, the Canadian legal term is "bawdy house," which is appropriate, given that Canadian judges dress like Santa Claus.

Yet having sex for money in such a house is legal. Then there's the law banning " living off the avails " of prostitution. As Amy describes it, "You could have sex -- you just couldn't tell them your prices or talk about it on the phone.

Even more odd is that you're not allowed to use that money to pay your bills or rent. To skirt the law as much as they can, masseuses don't officially charge for sex at all.

The downside: Customers haggle and may refuse to pay afterward, since the payment is officially a voluntary tip. So Amy had a large, legal, tax-free income, which she wasn't officially allowed to spend on anything.

These nonsensical laws were struck down as unconstitutional a while back, but never fear; they became law again right after that. Morality wins again!

Clients can't loiter outside the parlor with their dicks out and trade experiences, but that's okay. They have the Internet. Hobbyists rate women's individual attributes, and even though sex work automatically makes your body into a commodity, it's not all that fun seeing yourself scored like this:.

Amy Conclusion: This guy wants to fuck Sammy Sosa. Still, props to the guy for his math skills. And consumers do, in general, have a right to information before purchasing a service.

Masseuses don't resent hobbyists for publicizing the quality of their handjobs. They resent hobbyists for outing other details, such as their real names and locations:.

Amy "I also got a few shots of her mom trying on underwear at Sears, if that helps. Dammit, random creeper. If she's gone, she probably isn't looking to be found.

And if she's using multiple names, she probably isn't looking to be identified. You should know. You're posting under an alias yourself.

Amy "I'm standing up for the little guy, and there's no littler guy than my penis. If the creepiness stayed on the Internet, it would be bearable.

But when you're a masseuse, you get all of the pain of a brothel without the protection of a pimp. Remember how parlors have no beds?

Yeah, Amy would sleep on the table and be awoken for sex without warning. One time, three guys stormed in together at 5 a.

Amy, outside, could hear them getting aggressive, so she entered the room and intervened. She was thrown against the wall for her trouble, but she got them to leave in the end.

Some days later, one came back. Amy had set up camp for the night in the laundry room the towels may be jizz-soaked, but they're still fluffy , dammit , and the guy walked into it past the Employees Only sign.

He closed the door behind him, turned off the light, and fastened the lock with the two of them inside. He ended up leaving without anything happening, but Amy was terrified.

She got her happy ending in the form of a string of different jobs. Some were in sucky retail places that paid minimum wage, and while she sure missed the money, she liked them all better than her time at the parlor.

She was also, at one point, an independent escort, and that went great. Instead of all of this pretense of a "massage," she could be straight with the clients -- and do it on an actual bed.

Ryan Menezes is an editor and interviewer here at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter. Don't make me do this again. Don't have an account?

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